Toinette opened her eyes and regretted it. This was not the sands of the Caribbean. Grass is not sand. The sky was definitely not the blue clear skies of the beach. This sky was grey. Definitely no sounds of tourists enjoying themselves, and no waves on the shore.
She definitely had the same party hangover as usual, though. Great. Four months of restraint on Rory’s behalf, and the one time you get to party you end up somewhere else. What had she done now? Where the hell was she? Where was Rory? What time and place was this? Damn it, this happened a lot more than was ever reasonable.
Welp, time to figure out how to get back -
She squinted. Something was standing over her, blocking out the sunlight. She looked up.
Hmm. That was a lot of pink. A lot of leg. A lot of… wow, a lot of everything. And not a lot of clothing. That’s interesting.
“Hi,” she managed.
That was also a very sharp sword point on her throat.
“Where you from?”
“Huh?”
“Where you from?”
“...what?”
“...Okay, you’re not tangled up in this.”
The point of the sword moved to the ground, Chastity Faith kneeling down to check the strange woman.
The pyrokinetic generally had two sets of outfits when it came to trouble. One involved a lot of light armor and was worn against beasts, in massive battles, and generally any place where she was unsure of how to dance. The other was in the vein of what she wore now. There was a lot of criticism directed to the drawing trend of putting female warriors in ‘chainmail bikinis’, but as Chastity had found, letting it almost all hang out was a wonderful way to distract, manipulate, and get a lot of men to underestimate her. Fighting was a lot easier, half the time, when the primary thought that came to mind was ‘possess’, not ‘defend’.
This time, the outfit was a mix of barbarian and post apocalyptic. Fur boots, fur ‘panties’ with a belt (well, maybe fur ‘short shorts’, it was kind of halfway between the two), fur shoulders, fur gloves, a collection of necklaces, and feathers woven into Chastity’s hair to create a mohawk style layout. She did not wear a bra: instead she wore tiny patterns of gems seemingly embedded into her skin that just obscured enough so that she wasn’t wholly topless. Besides that, she had some pouches on her belt, a whip tied to her side, and two swords on her back, one on the ground. And sunglasses, or what looked like sunglasses.
If Toinette had any idea where she was, she probably would have guessed that Chastity was not as exposed as she looked. With the magical items known as Intricacies, you could be packing far more protection than bare, exposed skin. Not as much as when she wore full armor, but if someone tried to gut her, they’d find the passageway into her body was not quite so easily claimed.
“You all right? How many fingers am I holding up? What did Chris do….concussion, yeah?”
Chastity snapped her fingers, and a small, intense flame bloomed at the end, providing a light for her to check Toinette’s pupils.
Toinette was having a very hard time focusing straight ahead.
“Uh, yeah. I'm good.” Julius had said something about this. She'd fallen into another world, clearly, and this was one of the incredibly attractive natives. She had an adventure to go on! He'd advised her on… what was it?
It was probably “Don't do anything.” Killjoyyyyy.
Fae ancestry compelled her to be suave, despite her messy hair, clothing more fit for Ibiza (the t-shirt was not protecting her against the elements) and bleary expression. She tried a smile, or something like that.
“Can I get a name for my beautiful saviour?” Toinette instantly realised that an intense migraine was not a good tool for chatting up the ladies.
“Smooth. Like sandpaper.”
Chastity peered around.
“Hold that thought...just want to make sure that you dropping out of the sky didn’t attract anything bad.”
“Like who?”
Chastity began clicking her tongue as she thought.
“I think...three things that might want to eat you if given a chance? Yeah, three. Four if a wyrm comes wandering along, but that’s...not a good chance? I think? I dunno where they like to go, I usually went to them...look, you’re clearly not okay dokey. I better get you back to Gaudyns. God I miss Chris being around for the doctor stuff...now I have to remember what alleyway has the doctor and which ones have the muggers who want to pry out my teeth…”
Chastity removed the sword from the ground, tapping it on her shoulder.
“Can you walk or do I have to carry you?”
“I can walk!” Toinette scrambled to her feet, swaying a little. The grass spiked on what she now realised was bare feet. Her t-shirt, in the cruellest of ironies, had “EAT ME” emblazoned in very large font on the front. She glared down at the betrayer for a moment, then back up at Chastity.
“Uh, I’m Toinette. Hi, again!” She made the effort to look chipper. “Where is this place? Uh, guessing I'm not at Randy Avalon's Casinotel.”
“No. You’re outside the city...town...PLACE, of Gaudyns. Part of the principle...place...they changed last year...I don’t know their darn name. The bigger town that looks after this area and that town! Except they don’t. Country of Ionis? Ringing any bells?”
“Nope!” Toinette resolutely kept her eyes on the stranger’s face.
“Continent of Anacorum? World called a few things, I call it Earth?”
“I've been on AN Earth. Just came from there! But nope, no bells ringing here.”
“An Earth?...the name Kobber ring any bells?”
Toinette grinned. “That's the one!”
“...well shit. Where’s that redhead then?”
“No clue. Last I remember, I was doing a line of shots as long as the bar. Then here I am!” Toinette shrugged. “Shit happens.”
“No shit.”
Chastity again tried to check for general head injuries, before giving up on the basis she had no idea what she was doing.
“You must have come along after we left. My friends and I hung out with the Kobbers last year or so...by crossing worlds like you did. But we did it on purpose. Wonder if that’s why...never mind. Let’s get into town before some Warmfangs wander along looking for an easy meal.”
“Sure. Lead the way!”
“...I better walk beside you in case you fall over. Or barf. I don’t want you barfing on me. It sucks.”
Toinette bit back a million innuendos and shrugged. “Fine. But if I barf, you being barfed on is, like, the least of your problems.” And she took up a steady walk beside Chastity, looking around to take in her surroundings.
“You listed, like, a million monsters that wanna eat me. Uh, how bad are we talking?”
“Nothing I can’t cook.”
“Nice.”
They walked in silence for a while.
“Still not got a name, bee tee dubs.”
“Chastity.”
Toinette turned and looked Chastity up and down.
“...I don't believe you.”
“That is my name.”
Toinette opened her mouth, thought about it, and closed it again.
“Fair 'nuff.
“You can call me something else if you want.”
“Nah, 's cool. My actual name is Ti Far Yon, but nobody remembers that and Toinette's more exotic anyways.”
“Yeesh, who named you, a fancy empty food store?”
“My parents. They musta ran outta names at child four hundred and twenty six.”
Now it was Chastity’s turn to look Toinette up and down.
“I suspect you are full of stories. But let’s get you bedded before we do any more talking. Oh yeah, and if we get into town and anyone yells angrily at me, duck and cover.”
Toinette, who'd perked up immensely at the word “bedded”, just nodded. Then she frowned.
“Wait, who's mad at you?”
Chastity paused, and then started counting on her fingers.
“....about half the town.”
“... Mostly husbands?”
“Very funny.”
---
The bed was...actually pretty shitty. Stuffed with straw and the mattress, while clean, was patched and scratchy-itchy. And the pillow was one step up from a stone.
“This is a disappointment.” Toinette tried not to look glum. She failed.
“It’s a backalley doctor. Be lucky you’re not sharing the room with horses and goats. But don’t worry. Crappy place aside, the guy gets the job done. Better than me anyway. We should know if something is wrong. You said something about killer barf?”
Toinette blanched. “Um… how do I put this… I'm made outta stardust. If I vomit on you, you'd dissolve. Or mutate horribly, if you're unlucky.”
She saw Chastity’s face. “...I probably shoulda lied about that. Sorry.”
“I prefer honesty. Except when I hate it. So don’t tell me if you think I look fat. Now, what else should I know?” Chastity grabbed a chair and swung it around, sitting backwards on it.
“I'm… a Fae? From, like, a weird space world. I like vodka and girls with long hair. I can do magic. Also, I'm incapable of seeing people as people.”
Toinette looked at Chastity. “You got any magic protection on ya?”
“That’s what they told me these were.” The woman indicated her necklaces. “So were these but after I modded them they might not work so well.” The gem pattern ‘bra’. “Now what was this about people not being people?”
“Good. You'll need it.” Toinette thought about sitting up, but didn't bother. “ Now, uh, I guess it's story time. You got a moment? I'm not great at stories.”
“Neither am I, so you’re in good company.” Chastity flipped the chair around and crossed her legs, drawing one of her swords. “Go ahead and talk, I’m just going to sharpen Math fab Mathonwy.”
Toinette winced.
“Once upon a time, there was a king. He had a painting of his dead wife. It was rad. It was like, six feet tall. Really colorful. He was a cheery king.”
“He was also a dumbass. He invited a Fae Duke around. Duke sees the painting and goes ‘I gotta have it.’ King goes ‘What, are you high? You’re not having it.’ Duke gets mad and storms out.”
Toinette turned over. “That night, a Fae snuck into the castle, stole the painting, and brought it back to the glen. The Fae marvel over the colors. They’ve not seen anything like it.”
“They burn it, because they think it’ll burn the same colors as the paint. It doesn’t, because Fae are also dumbasses. Then they got mad and blamed the king, who by now was the saddest man to ever live ever. Then they declared war on him.”
A moment of silence. Then Toinette’s glum look slipped away like oil in water, revealing a cheerful smile.
“So, how was your week?”
“That doesn’t explain the barf mutants. Sorry, that issue just really struck me.”
“Astra’s a bitch.” Toinette sat up. “Hey, is there anything to drink around here? Apart from whatever medicines I’m sure I’m gonna have to swallow.”
“Ya mean, water?”
“...Sure.”
“You don’t mean water.”
Chastity reached down and unzipped her boot, withdrawing a small, thin metal flask.
“Now, I wouldn’t drink this straight, because we don’t know…”
Gulp. Grabbed. Gone.
“...and I didn’t even finish my sentence. I’ll just be over here now.” Chastity scooted the chair backwards.
Toinette burped and tossed the flask back. “Nice. Any more?”
“...That would flatten most men twice your size.”
“We’re built tough.”
“...all the same, you should get some rest. I need to check my sources. Do some cleaning, in a few ways. You need to stay here. Oh, and if anyone asks, you don’t know me.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not wives after me. It’s pieces of shit. And this is my turf and they don’t get to squat all over it.”
“Sure.” Toinette shrugged. “Not like I’m going anywhere.”
She waited until Chastity’s footsteps were no longer audible, then hopped out of bed. Haha, like hell. New world, new stuff to see and do! Let’s goooooo.
The wardrobe caught her eye first. Chastity’s outfit had been great, fantastic, awesome, and she wanted to see if the rest were like that. Plus, she wasn’t gonna stay in this t-shirt and jean shorts combo forever. She was gonna get in character! She had to fit in if she was gonna make it here.
She flung open the wardrobe doors.
There was a lot of leather, and chainmail. Not in the sense of there being a vast quantity of it, but more in the sense that that was the main component. The items themselves looked more like swimwear that was worn by rich people with hidden tastes, or by comic characters from a certain era. There were a few extra accoutrements, here and there, but the majority was from the world’s most dangerous underwear catalogue. Toinette whistled in approval.
There was also a box. Toinette opened the box. It had many things in it. Toinette closed the box and made a mental note of it, in mental red pen, with many mental lines under it.
Then she picked out a snazzy leather number and got to work.
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